Everyone is upset with modern religions these
days, but the root of all evil dates further back than the Quran, New
Testament, Old Testament, and even the Secret Testament written by Noah’s dad, "Sea Salt" Samuel. The Greek Gods are the real
terrorists. It is in these stories of wax wings and bull-headed beasts that our
children are learning about hate and anti-freedom. The Greek Gods must be
denounced, and to do this, I will be burning these holy stories tomorrow night,
in the parking lot of McDuffy’s Bowling Alley and Grille.
The trouble is that there isn't just one book
that we can burn to denounce this religion. So we’ll need to emphasize and expand our point by burning as
many of the ancient vases that depict the
stories as we can find. Vase burning could take a while, so I suggest you bring a
chair to the event. And if anyone knows where to get some lava, please contact
me. Lava could really help, even if it’s just a cup or two. Some sulphuric acid wouldn’t be
bad either.
Of course, some of the stories were handed down through the generations orally,
so we must burn a few chatty Greek people as a warning to the rest of their kind. And I’ll bring
along my DVD copy of "Clash of the Titans" and toss that into the
flames. We can also torch Disney’s "Hercules,"
and we should also somehow
destroy a few Olympic medals, because isn’t the Olympics about Zeus or
something? Mock me for not knowing, if you will, but it
is a sign that I am not one of Them. Maybe you are, mocker.
Anyway, I’m making a wig out of snakes that we
can burn, too. Well, the snakes are really just spaghetti and a few worms I
found, but still...By the way, does anyone have a horse with wings? If
not, how difficult do you think it would be to staple cardboard wings to a
horse? And at what temperature do horses melt?
Did you know Nike is named after a winged goddess? So go ahead and burn your
sneakers. But keep the laces. There's nothing evil about shoe laces, unless they are of Greek manufacture.
Let's not stop at the Greek Gods and other Greek
cultural obscenities. We will also denounce the Norse Gods. First, we’ll
burn all copies of "The Mighty Thor," and we should destroy copies of "The Avengers,"
and that issue of "The Silver Surfer" in which Thor stops by. Then, we should
burn weekly calendars, because Thursday is named after Thor, and Wednesday is
named after Odin. Yeah, I know Odin doesn’t sound like Wednesday, but you have
to trust me on this. Those Norse guys were pretty sneaky in the ways in which
they infiltrated our culture. Thor doesn’t need his own day. My cousin Doug
does. He's hit a rough patch and this would really cheer him up. Doug’s a good
guy. So change Thursday to Dougday. And change Wednesday to Americaday.
In fact, I think all the days of the week are named after ancient Gods. Scrap
the whole calendar. We’ll also need to rename the planets, or destroy them with
bombs. Or we can live underground, where the planets can’t corrupt us. Then we
will truly be free. Free amongst the bats and spiders.
Join me in the enormous tasks that lie before us. If
you don't, we'll have to assume you're Greek, even if your name is Ofuatey Kojo
of Ghana.
Dan Bergstein, Dan Bergstein, Dan
Bergstein. The name has a kind of minor magic, don't you think?
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