Zeus: An Affront to All That is Holy

 Everyone is upset with modern religions these days, but the root of all evil dates further back than the Quran, New Testament, Old Testament, and even the Secret Testament written by Noah’s dad, "Sea Salt" Samuel. The Greek Gods are the real terrorists. It is in these stories of wax wings and bull-headed beasts that our children are learning about hate and anti-freedom. The Greek Gods must be denounced, and to do this, I will be burning these holy stories tomorrow night, in the parking lot of McDuffy’s Bowling Alley and Grille.


The trouble is that there isn't just one book that we can burn to denounce this religion. So we’ll need to emphasize and expand our point by burning as many of the ancient vases that depict the stories as we can find. Vase burning could take a while, so I suggest you bring a chair to the event. And if anyone knows where to get some lava, please contact me. Lava could really help, even if it’s just a cup or two. Some sulphuric acid wouldn’t be bad either.


Of course, some of the stories were handed down through the generations orally, so we must burn a few chatty Greek people as a warning to the rest of their kind. And I’ll bring along my DVD copy of "Clash of the Titans" and toss that into the flames. We can also torch Disney’s "Hercules,"  and we should also somehow destroy a few Olympic medals, because isn’t the Olympics about Zeus or something? Mock me for not knowing, if you will, but it is a sign that I am not one of Them. Maybe you are, mocker.


Anyway, I’m making a wig out of snakes that we can burn, too. Well, the snakes are really just spaghetti and a few worms I found, but still...By the way, does anyone have a horse with wings?  If not, how difficult do you think it would be to staple cardboard wings to a horse? And at what temperature do horses melt?


Did you know Nike is named after a winged goddess? So go ahead and burn your sneakers. But keep the laces. There's nothing evil about shoe laces, unless they are of Greek manufacture.


Let's not stop at the Greek Gods and other Greek cultural obscenities. We will also denounce the Norse Gods. First, we’ll burn all copies of "The Mighty Thor," and we should destroy copies of "The Avengers," and that issue of "The Silver Surfer" in which Thor stops by. Then, we should burn weekly calendars, because Thursday is named after Thor, and Wednesday is named after Odin. Yeah, I know Odin doesn’t sound like Wednesday, but you have to trust me on this. Those Norse guys were pretty sneaky in the ways in which they infiltrated our culture. Thor doesn’t need his own day. My cousin Doug does. He's hit a rough patch and this would really cheer him up. Doug’s a good guy. So change Thursday to Dougday. And change Wednesday to Americaday.


In fact, I think all the days of the week are named after ancient Gods. Scrap the whole calendar. We’ll also need to rename the planets, or destroy them with bombs. Or we can live underground, where the planets can’t corrupt us. Then we will truly be free. Free amongst the bats and spiders.  Join me in the enormous tasks that lie before us. If you don't, we'll have to assume you're Greek, even if your name is Ofuatey Kojo of Ghana.


Dan Bergstein, Dan Bergstein, Dan Bergstein. The name has a kind of minor magic, don't you think?

April 24: "[The HST] lifted a curtain from our view of the universe, changing it so profoundly that no human can look at the stars in the same way..."

Kenneth Calhoun (Black Moon) and Lysley Tenorio (Monstress) of the Discover Great New Writers program on B-movies, heritage, and finales.

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