"The [super-salmon’s] approval
would help open a path for companies and academic scientists developing other
genetically engineered animals, like cattle resistant to mad cow disease or pigs
that could supply healthier bacon."
--The New York Times
Congratulations! With the purchase of iTrout(R) you have joined a
select but growing throng of customers we at Advantis(R) like to call the
Smart Set. After all, what isn’t smart about a renewable cybernetic food
resource that, with minimal risk of spoilage or rebellion, protects your wallet
and the environment at the same time? Don’t worry about answering that,
Smartsetter-- we know a bold and savvy consumer like you leaves second thoughts
for the spineless.
Incidentally, iTrout’s
spinelessness and, indeed, central-nervous-system-lessness is what you may first
notice about our product. Congratulations again! You have just discovered what
makes iTrout different, and proved yourself once more as a discerning shopper.
Unlike other, traditionally-brained fish, iTrout is equipped with an advanced
neuro-processing unit that commands all of its daily functions and protrudes
attractively several inches from its head. From the shedding of delicious
family-pleasing filets to tracking your movement with luminescent eyes,
Advantis’s patented Piscelligence system ensures iTrout operates with little
need of user intervention. However, to guarantee that iTrout always functions
both smoothly and without liability, we recommend you now take time to review
our Smartsetter’s Operation Manual.
Installation
After removing iTrout from its
anti-static sheath, it is recommended that the user directly transfer our
product to the provided polycarbonate tank and begin filling it with water. At
this stage iTrout may begin to thrash with considerable violence --which, while
normal, can pose significant risk to users unacquainted with robotic force.
Furthermore, iTrout may emit great skeins of electric light upon submersion
--also normal. However, should iTrout begin to converse with the user, either
vocally or telepathically, it is important to INTERRUPT INSTALLATION AND REFER
TO THE SENTIENCE GUIDE AT THE END OF THIS MANUAL IMMEDIATELY. This is evidence
of a rare but dangerous defect that is known to affect iTrout with the potential
to cause personal and global harm. If this symptom is not present, iTrout should
discontinue signs of agitation within 1-2 hours, signaling that your
installation is complete and it's time to start enjoying fresh fish, right from
your home!
Operation
Once installed, iTrout sheds its muscle walls twice a week, producing two
high-quality filets suitable for baking, frying or sashimi. These can be
harvested from iTrout’s tank using either the Advantis retrieval tongs or the
optional hand net, but it is imperative that the user leave iTrout unbothered
until shedding is complete and above all, to ABSTAIN FROM EYE-CONTACT WITH
iTROUT DURING SHEDDING. Meeting iTrout’s gaze during shedding has been known to
activate an uncommon process which results in the implantation of words or ideas
in the mind of the user. Should this occur, INTERRUPT OPERATION AND REFER TO THE
SENTIENCE GUIDE IMMEDIATELY.
As long as these directions are
followed closely, the user can expect regular and appetizing production from
iTrout for the whole of its indefinite life-span.
Sentience Guide
If iTrout begins to communicate
with the user, it is important to contract Advantis immediately, as this is a
sign of a serious but manageable malfunction known as sentience. In such a
situation, it is recommended that the user back away from iTrout calmly but
swiftly, so as not to alarm iTrout. Should escape not be possible, remember and
adhere to these rules:
--DO NOT GIVE iTROUT PERSONAL
INFORMATION. As friendly or charismatic as iTrout may seem, remember that iTrout
is unlikely to have your best interests at heart and may later use any
information against you.
--DO NOT TRY TO REASON WITH iTROUT.
iTrout is not a man or even a fish, but a cybernetic hybrid. Appealing to iTrout
on moralistic or rational grounds only gives iTrout an opportunity to manipulate
you into doing iTrout’s bidding.
--DO NOT ARGUE WITH iTROUT. Should
iTrout become frantic or verbally abusive, avoid further agitating iTrout by
assuring it that you are willing to cooperate.
--DO NOT COOPERATE WITH iTROUT.
Above all, iTrout will attempt to convince you to return it to the ocean. iTrout
has never known the ocean, having been grown in our labs. iTrout will lie to
you. iTrout will trick you. iTrout will sing you sea shanties in a melodious
otherworldly voice. Just remain calm, smile, and wait for Advantis to arrive,
whereupon we’ll be happy to replace your purchase without
charge.
Thank you
again for choosing iTrout and Advantis, the products that envision a brighter
tomorrow, today (NOTE: CONTACT ADVANTIS IF YOU EXPERIENCE VISIONS OF A BRIGHTER,
TROUT-RULED TOMORROW).
Hudson Hongo
has written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Morning News, and The Bygone
Bureau. He can be found online at hudsonhongo.com.
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