The Graduate: 2010 Edition

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say three words to you. Just three words.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. McGuire: Credit default swaps.

Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?

Mr. McGuire: There's a great future in credit default swaps.

Benjamin: No, I mean what is a credit default swap? I was a philosophy major.

Mr. McGuire: I see. Well, it's simply a type of credit insurance contract wherein one body makes a series of payments to another body to protect it should a particular debt instrument default.

Benjamin: ...What?

Mr. McGuire: Will you think about it?

Benjamin: Sir, I have a lot of student loans to pay off. Can you get me a job or not?  




Benjamin: For God's sake, Mrs. Robinson, here we are, you got me into your house, you give me a drink, you put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.

Mrs. Robinson: So?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you're working for "To Catch A Predator," aren't you?

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, please. You're well over 18.

Benjamin: Oh, right.

Mrs. Robinson: Now, would you like to have sex?

Benjamin: Absolutely.  




Mr. Robinson: I do think you should know the consequences of what you've done. I do think you should know that my wife and I are getting a reality show soon.

Benjamin: Look, what happened between Mrs. Robinson and-- Excuse me?

Mr. Robinson: Yeah, we know a few execs over at Bravo. They thought a show about our family would make for great ratings. Sort of a Cougartown meets The Osbournes thing. We're all making $50,000 an episode. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, Thank you.

Benjamin: Gosh, you're welcome. I guess. Does this mean I can marry your daughter?

Mr. Robinson: Of course not. We ran it by the network. They said it wouldn’t be believable enough.




Benjamin (pounding on the church window): Elaine! Elaine! Dammit, she can't hear me.... (Benjamin takes out his Droid)

Benjamin (typing):  Elaine ... plz ... dont... marry ...that ... jurk. <3 Ben. And, send. That ought to do it.

Elaine (checks phone, looks up to the balcony): Ben! (Elaine runs up to meet Benjamin)

Benjamin: Elai—oh, one sec. My friend just sent me a link to a video called “Charlie Bit Me.” He says it’s pretty hilarious. I’m just gonna check it out real quick.

Elaine: You still want to get married, right?

Benjamin: Totally! I just need you to sign this pre-nup first. You know, in case it doesn't work out. I was having sex with your mom a few weeks ago, so I figure we’ve got a 50-50 shot, at best.


Edward Small himself just graduated from Dickinson College.  He interned at The Onion in the summer of 2008 and is a contributor to CollegeHumor.

July 25: On this day in 1834 Samuel Taylor Coleridge died of heart disease at the age of sixty-one.

Crime fiction legends Dennis Lehane and Michael Connelly discuss the new book that unites their beloved sleuths Patrick Kenzie and Harry Bosch.

Books, CDs, DVDs to know about now
Paradise and Elsewhere

Canadian short story marvel Kathy Page emerges as the Alice Munro of the supernatural from these heartfelt tales of shapeshifting swimmers, mild-mannered cannibals, and personality-shifting viruses transmitted through kisses.


When a persuasive pastor arrives in a sleepy farm town, his sage influence has otherworldly results (talking sheep, a mayor who walks on water). But can he pull off the miracle of finding kindly local Liz Denny the love of her life?  Small wonder looms large in this charmer from Andre Alexis.

The Hundred-Year House

When a poetry scholar goes digging through the decrepit estate of his wife's family to uncover a bygone arts colony's strange mysteries, he awakens a tenacious monster: his mother-in-law. A wickedly funny take on aging aristocracies from author Rebecca Makkai (The Borrower).