Rock the Vote -- Part V

               Why Won’t You Woo Me?

"Mich. Candidates Woo Young Voters"

          – Detroit News headline


Attention politicians, I demand to be wooed. For far too long my demographic has been ignored as you chase after the Latino vote, the black vote, the young vote, the elderly vote, the Christian vote, and the women’s vote. When will you chase after me? Do you not care about the Dan vote? Obviously not.


I assume you’re not wooing me because you think I’m fat. Would you woo me if I were thinner? What if I wore nicer clothes? I’m willing to change, but damn it, you have to tell me what you want. If I lost 10 lbs. and stopped wearing so much denim, would you woo me then? I’m not asking for a major woo. You don’t need to give me a shout-out during a speech. Just Tweet about me a few times next week or if I come over to your campaign headquarters, say Hi instead of turning out the lights and pretending you’re not home.


I see my friends get wooed all the time. My old roommate Tyler Barrish is currently being courted by eight different candidates. It must be nice being a young black Christian. By the way, you should know that Tyler lost my favorite shirt and when I asked him about it he said, “What shirt?” Is that really the kind of guy you want voting for you?


There are many things about myself that make me woo-worthy. I’m tall, I know how to swim, I don’t have allergies, and I already had braces. I also went to college and I’m pretty good at Tetris. Don’t you like college educated Tetris players? Why won’t you woo me?


Maybe if I join a group you would woo me. For instance, if I become an Olympian you would probably woo the crap out of me. Olympians are ambassadors to the world, and you would desperately want an Olympian’s support. Maybe I could be flood victim. Politicians are always trying to woo flood victims. If I became an Olympic flood victim, you’d be so desperate for my vote that you’d buy me a turtle. And then when I become an elderly Olympic flood vicitim, why, you’d probably slap me on the cover of your webpage and take me out for pizza. Lobster pizza.


But then it would be too little too late, bub. Don’t come crawling back to me when I become part of an important demographic. Perhaps I’ll become upper or lower class. Or I’ll be a powerful businessman who worries about taxes and economics. Then you’ll woo me.  Or what if I become a famous movie star who has both mass appeal and critical success? Then you’d have to buy me three turtles, and even after that, I would deny your woo.


So now’s your chance, Washington. Either you start altering your campaigns so that is speaks directly to me, Dan the average guy who can swim, or you can kiss my vote goodbye. This isn’t a threat. I have a list of things I need to do on November 2nd, and voting doesn’t even crack the top 10. But if you woo me just a little bit, I may squeeze in a vote or two between my trip to the store to buy socks and making hotdogs and rice. Thank you and goodbye.


Dan Bergstein is going to take some much needed time off so that he can spend more time with your family.

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