Why Won’t You Woo Me?
"Mich. Candidates Woo
Young Voters"
– Detroit News headline
Attention politicians, I demand to be wooed. For far too long my demographic
has been ignored as you chase after the Latino vote, the black vote, the young
vote, the elderly vote, the Christian vote, and the women’s vote. When will you
chase after me? Do you not care about the Dan vote? Obviously not.
I assume
you’re not wooing me because you think I’m fat. Would you woo me if I were
thinner? What if I wore nicer clothes? I’m willing to change, but damn it, you
have to tell me what you want. If I lost 10 lbs. and stopped wearing so much
denim, would you woo me then? I’m not asking for a major woo. You don’t need to
give me a shout-out during a speech. Just Tweet about me a few times next week
or if I come over to your campaign headquarters, say Hi instead of turning out
the lights and pretending you’re not home.
I see my
friends get wooed all the time. My old roommate Tyler Barrish is currently
being courted by eight different candidates. It must be nice being a young
black Christian. By the way, you should know that Tyler lost my favorite shirt and when I asked
him about it he said, “What shirt?” Is that really the kind of guy you want
voting for you?
There are
many things about myself that make me woo-worthy. I’m tall, I know how to swim,
I don’t have allergies, and I already had braces. I also went to college and
I’m pretty good at Tetris. Don’t you like college educated Tetris players? Why
won’t you woo me?
Maybe if
I join a group you would woo me. For instance, if I become an Olympian you
would probably woo the crap out of me. Olympians are ambassadors to the world,
and you would desperately want an Olympian’s support. Maybe I could be flood
victim. Politicians are always trying to woo flood victims. If I became an
Olympic flood victim, you’d be so desperate for my vote that you’d buy me a
turtle. And then when I become an elderly
Olympic flood vicitim, why, you’d probably slap me on the cover of your webpage
and take me out for pizza. Lobster pizza.
But then
it would be too little too late, bub. Don’t come crawling back to me when I
become part of an important demographic. Perhaps I’ll become upper or lower
class. Or I’ll be a powerful businessman who worries about taxes and economics.
Then you’ll woo me. Or what if I become a famous movie star who has both mass
appeal and critical success? Then you’d have to buy me three turtles, and even
after that, I would deny your woo.
So now’s
your chance, Washington.
Either you start altering your campaigns so that is speaks directly to me, Dan
the average guy who can swim, or you can kiss my vote goodbye. This isn’t a
threat. I have a list of things I need to do on November 2nd, and
voting doesn’t even crack the top 10. But if you woo me just a little bit, I
may squeeze in a vote or two between my trip to the store to buy socks and
making hotdogs and rice. Thank you and goodbye.
Dan
Bergstein is going to take some much needed time off so that he can spend more
time with your family.
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