Harnessing
the Political Power of the Cats
It’s a
good time to be a cat owner in Pennsylvania.
As the Senate race between Democrat Joe Sestak and Republican Pat
Toomey comes down to the wire, both candidates are trying to woo the
cat owning citizens with bold promises and flashy ads. A new poll shows that
87% of cat owners in the keystone state are undecided, compared to 14% of dog
owners, 8% of lizard owners, and 3% of Presbyterians. That’s a number no
campaign can pass up, and it’s no surprise that desperate candidates are using
everything in their war chests to capture the elusive vote.
After the poll was released, Democrats struck first by giving all Democratic
members of Congress a kitten that was to be worn either on the shoulder or
around the politicians’ necks in a tiny cage like a necklace as a sign of
support. These fashion-cats started a trend, and a poll taken that day showed
cat owners were in favor of Democrats, three-to-one.
That
number quickly changed later that night after the Republican group Americans
for American Freedom in America donated three tons of cats to local
schools in Pennsylvania. The cats, many of which were adorable and not at all
nasty, are now roaming school hallways and brightening everyone’s day. A poll
conducted seven minutes after Operation School Cat was announced
showed that 68% of cat owners were ready to vote for a Republican senator, and
staggering 99% wished rainbows could talk.
Democrats
tried to retaliate by giving area hospitals a few dozen lions, but according to
a very speedy poll conducted in a matter of minutes, cat owners are not
necessarily lion enthusiasts, and the plan backfired. Plus, the hospitals were
ill-equipped to deal with lions. The lions were rounded up and taken to a farm,
except three lions that escaped and now dwell in the sewers, thus prompting the
Republican TV ad calling the Democrats “Sewer Lions,” a term that doesn’t
really mean anything, but when said in a condescending manner is rather
effective.
Looking to even the playing
field, Sestak used his skills as an amateur veterinarian to cure a few sick
cats on The Tonight Show. Polls showed that cat owners enjoyed this, but not
nearly enough cat owners watched the show, as 45% of them were sleeping and 33%
didn't care for their cats.
Toomey, meanwhile, went on
The View last week to promote feline osteoporosis awareness. And it probably
would have helped put him over the top, if only he hadn’t stumbled over the
words, “feline osteoporosis awareness.” He tried to recover by calling it, “bad
cat bones,” but the damage was already done. And the cat owner vote was once
again, up for grabs.
In a
last-ditch effort to nab the cat owner vote, the Sestak campaign paid a
reported $400,000 to have Sestak drawn into a Garfield comic strip. Garfield
author Jim Davis rarely uses his comic strip for political purposes, except for
that one instance in which Garfield
took a stand against the Federal Acquisition Streamlining Act of 1994.
With only
days left before the votes are cast, and some polls showing there are only
minutes remaining, the candidates have big stunts planned to win over the cat
lovers. Rumor has it Sestak will announce a dog tax later today, and Toomey
volunteers were seen shoving small, thin kittens under the doors of potential
voters.
Will it
be enough? Cat owner Lisa Gunkle said, "I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stay home.
It’s all so busy."
Dan Bergstein
cannot tell the difference between candy corn and regular corn.
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