Luring the Lithuanian-American Vote
Leaked Note Campaign Headquarters:
Attention Staff:
This election will be won or lost based on
the will of the Lithuanian-American population. I don’t need to tell you that
the candidate who holds these citizens in his hands controls not only the
election, but all major U.S. politics and some Canadian politics too. The
problem is how to get the mighty Lithuanian–Americans to the polls?
Step one is to stop using the nine-syllable
nomenclature of "Lithuanian-American." It's too long. "Lithuanians" will do.
Step two is to identify Lithuanian-Ame--Lithuanians. This is very difficult
because they look just like some of you and maybe me.
For the sake of the campaign, we should treat all potential voters as if they
are Lithuanian until we figure out some sort of identification protocol. Do all
Lithuanians wear hats? That would make this easier. Once we find a few
Lithuanians, we must follow them back to their secret lair and study
their common denominators from a safe distance.
The next phase involves tailoring a speech
specifically for this group. We must press the issues that concern them the
most. Where do they stand on environmental issues? Are they for or against big
government? Can they see in the dark? Is it true that they have lightning for
blood and how does that relate to universal healthcare?
With these questions answered, we will craft
the perfect speech, even if it means redefining our campaign. If Lithuanians
think birds are evil, guess what--we’re going to crack down on birds. We need to
speak directly to them, even if that requires us to ignore every other race and
gender. (Can Lithuanians be women? I assume so, but let’s not jump to
conclusions and make an ass of ourselves. Carl, look into this. Have Margret
help you if you’re swamped collecting data on possible Lithuanian tunnels.)
Then we will pour all of our resources into
direct mail. We’ve already worked on a few slogans for a flyer. Such as:
-Don’t hurt us with your mind-powers, ye powerful
Lithuanians.
-Lithuanian? More like Rich-uanian, after we’re
done with ya! Vote!
-Our opponents want to hurt you and imprison your
baby. For reals! Vote for us, or else.
-You are very attractive and tall.
The week before the election, we should
probably take as many Lithuanians to the movies as possible. They’d probably
really like that Secretariat movie. And then we can slip them each $5. I think
there’s some money left in our marketing budget, and it’s only illegal if we
make eye-contact with them, right? Carl, look into this.
To lock up the vote, we must make sure our
opponent doesn’t find out about the precious and numerous Lithuanian voters. We
need hide them at Jerry’s house. (Jerry, talk to Pete in accounting. He’ll hook
you up with some petty cash for food and bedding.) If our opponent gets
suspicious and asks where all the Lithuanians went, we just whistle and say,
“Lithuanians? They’re not real. They were made up, like leprechauns, Santa
Claus, and Michael Jordan.”
On Election Day, we will each take turns
driving the Lithuanians to the polls. I can fit four people in my car.
Folks, we didn’t come all this way just to
come in second place. With your help, and the help of the enigmatic Lithuanians,
we will win this election. Then we can suck up to the Scandinavians and take
over the world!
Dan Bergstein has never gone fishing, and
hopes the fish appreciate and remember this during the coming Fish Wars.
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