The Ventriloquist Vote: A Silent Majority
Latino voters may make the
difference for California Democrats on Election Day
– Washington Post Headline
Can the Black Vote Save Democrats?
– Editorial headline from The Chicago
Tribune
Gubernatorial Candidates Turn to Women Voters
– NPR headline
From blogs to cable news, everyone agrees that the key to the Senate race in
Nevada will come down to one crucial demographic – Ventriloquists. Democrat
Harry Reid showed strong numbers in early polls, but that was before Republican
Sharon Angle, and the Tea Party, announced their $4 million plan to spur job
growth in the struggling ventriloquist market.
Angle’s attempt to lure the Ventriloquist vote seemed to work, especially after
Reid’s campaign slipped up when one of Reid’s volunteers quietly said to
herself, “Those puppets are creepy.” The sound bite, which was somehow picked
up by a hidden microphone and five plainclothes stenographers, quickly spread
across the state. The Sunday- morning talk shows had much to discuss. During
the Pain-Minute on Reno’s local Shout Time news program, commentator Shelly
“The Hound” Bowers called this slip of the tongue “The most egregious and
hateful thing that--” She then broke down in tears and could be heard dry
heaving for the rest of the minute.
Several ventriloquists unions and community organizations, including Local Vent
109 and Wooden People for Progress demanded an apology from the Reid campaign.
And they got one. During a stump speech at the Laughy Taffy Humor Hut, Reid not
only publicly fired the loose-lipped volunteer, but pledged his support for the
ventriloquist sector by offering generous tax incentives to those
ventriloquists earning less than $65 a show.
Ventriloquist Randy Jordan of Las Vegas thought Reid’s attempt to lure the
ventriloquist vote was too little too late, saying, “This plan for
ventriloquist tax incentives isn’t enough. You’re going to give me incentives
on my $50 a week salary? I don’t need incentives. I need work. And that won’t
happen unless the government offers tax breaks for birthday parties.” Jordan’s
dummy, Daphne Yum-Yum, added, “My last boyfriend was a baseball bat. HA!”
Former ventriloquist and current magician Armand the Wondrous thinks both candidates
are wasting their time. “They never think about the Mr. Wuzzle Factor,” said
Wondrous. In 1978, ventriloquist Clive Thornship, aided by his dummy Mr.
Wuzzle, ran for Congress in New Jersey. His poll numbers going into the
election were strong, especially in the male ventriloquist age 35-67
demographic. However he lost by a landslide. The crash and burn was attributed
to low ventriloquist voter turnout. “Vents are a tough group to motivate,”
Wondrous said. “Come Election Day, even when one of their own is on the ballot,
they tend to stay home and write gags about wooden politicians. And those who
do show up usually storm away angry when the voting center refuses to let them
enter the booth with their dummy.”
With so much riding on this crucial vote, will either candidate have what it
takes to get ventriloquists to the polls? Will the ventriloquists realize their
voting potential? If not, who’s to blame? Is it the voter’s fault, or the
campaign’s? Perhaps Mr. Wuzzle put it best when he said, “And I thought I was
the dummy!”
Dan Bergstein TYPED
THIS BY PRESSING THE CAPS LOCK KEY. Or maybe he held down Shift. Only he knows
for sure.
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