Oil Change

"Fraud remains a major problem in the international olive oil business and ...adulteration with inferior oils (hazelnut and seed oils) is especially common."
      --Dr. Andrew Weil
       Saturday, 2pm – I’m raking leaves out in the yard. Olive oil exits the house heading for its car.
 
Me: Hey, you said you were going to help me with the yard today. Olive Oil: I can't it's too hot out.  Me: Oh, come on!  That's no excuse! Olive Oil: When I get overheated I spit and crackle a lot.  You don't want to deal with that.  Besides, something came up at work. Me: On a Saturday? You never work Saturday?
Olive Oil: Why don’t you just mind your own business, Sean!
Me: But baby…
Olive Oil: No! I’ll do what I want! You don’t own me!
Me: Well, actually … (shuffling through pockets) I’ve got the receipt around here somewhere.
Olive Oil: Don’t wait up for me!
 
Just before getting into its car, Olive Oil answers its cell phone in what I  could swear sounds like Russian.
***
 
Sunday, 3am – I sit in the living room waiting. Olive Oil enters quietly, before noticing me.
 
Me: Where have you been all night?
Olive Oil: Out. Me: Out where? Did you have a date?
Olive Oil:  I don't go with dates. I was just out, all right? Leave me alone! Me: Are you seeing someone else?
Olive Oil: There’s a lot you don’t know about me.
Me: Your label said you’d be pure.
Olive Oil: Labels can be deceiving.
***
 
Monday, 6pm – On our way to dinner. Olive Oil drives. I sit in the passenger seat.
 
Me: I’m excited to finally try Antonio’s.
Olive Oil: Yeah, me too! I’m not usually a big fan of Italian food, but the review says it’s the best Italian restaurant in the city. Me: Wait, you’re Olive Oil and you don’t like Italian? I thought you were a Product of Italy?
Olive Oil: Not everything turns out the way you expect it to, Sean.
Me: I found a Russian Passport in your …
Olive Oil: Hold on, I need to make a quick stop.
 
We pull over next to the river. I stay in the car and watch Olive Oil take a large, squirming garbage bag and throw it into the water. Olive Oil gets back in the car.
Olive Oil: I’m sorry. What were you saying?
Me: Nothing.
***
 
Tuesday, Noon – I go to the grocery store on my lunch break.
 
Grocer: Can I help you with something?
Me: Hi. I was wondering, ummm, well, I’ve had some trouble with my… Well, I bought olive oil here a while ago, and…
Grocer: Olive oil?  [He looks terrified.]  I’ve never heard of any "Olive Oil."
Me: Oh God!
 
I run out of the store.
***

 

Tuesday, 1:30pm –I follow Olive Oil as she drives down Interstate 85. She takes the airport exit. I park and find her at the security checkpoint. The guard looks over her passport.


Guard: You’re all set, Ms. Smirnoyavich.
 
I burst through the line.
 
Me: Olive Oil! Wait!
Olive Oil: Sean! What are you doing here?
Me: Don’t leave, me! Please don’t leave me, baby!
Olive Oil: I’m sorry. My work is done here. I must return to the Motherland.  I'm sure you can get along with Canola, or maybe Hazelnit. Me: But …
Olive Oil: I’m sorry. Good-bye forever.
Me: Before you leave, one question?
Olive Oil: What is it?
Me: You're supposed to be good for the heart, so why are you breaking mine?

Sean Adams is a humor writer living in the Midwest.  His work has been featured on McSweeney's, The Bygone's Bureau and elsewhere.  

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