Welcome to Tharsis Intra-Martian Transport Hub. Owing to recent terrorist threats by the Mole People of the Southern Polar Cap and The Willfully Unpleasant Types, in the Borealis Region, Central Authority has put into place new and more stringent security regulations for all passengers.
1. Before boarding, not only adult passengers but their pupae and mature spawn will now be sprayed with anti-infective mist, to eliminate any chance of biological attack, including antenna wort, “angry” thorax, and redworm.
2. Your carry-on luggage must be fully sedated before boarding. Any sign of pseudopod activity will result in confiscation and confinement for thirty revolutions or until asexual reproduction, whichever comes first.
3. Your cocoon must remain fully supine during descent and resurfacing.
4. The limbs of all spawn must be securely torso-attached during descent and resurfacing. As pupae have only rudimentary limbs, they are excluded from this regulation.
5. All passengers must remain visible for the duration of the burrow. Fading of up to 50% is permitted.
6. Recreational anatomy exchanges are permitted at cruising depth but may involve extremities only. Sand-gland trades are no longer allowed unless pre-boarding clearance has been obtained.
7. At cruising depth, passengers may move about the cylinder freely unless the burrow encounters magma-shift turbulence, in which case the Principal Officer will illuminate the fasten-cocoon lights and passengers must return to their cocoons and remain supine.
8. Prohibited garments now include thorax sashes, mammary push-ups, helmets for either head, and tentacle sleeves that extend more than two inches beyond the tentacle.
9. Upon resurfacing and de-boarding, all adult passengers, with no exceptions except the Prinicpal Officer and the First Yrterezgdf, will be required to perform the Martian allegiance ritual, in order to demonstrate that they have not been possessed in mid-burrow by infiltrated invisible agents of the Willfully Unpleasant Types. If the passenger fails to perform all fifteen vaults and the full eructation, he or she or it will be detained until thorough reprogramming is completed.
We appreciate your cooperation with these new regulations. Our first priority for our passengers is a safe burrow.
Daniel Menaker is the Editor of Grin & Tonic and the author of a new book, "A Good Talk: The Story and Skill of Conversation."
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