(Special Halloween Edition)
"They did the Mash, they did the Monster Mash."
—Bobby "Boris"
Pickett
"An American Werewolf In London Fields," by Martin Amiss
SYNOPSIS: While on vacation in an apocalyptic London overrun by
werewolves sometime in the near future, a decent but dimwitted American guy
named Guy gets bitten. He soon is drawn into a bizarre lovers’ triangle with two
other werewolves: would-be darts champion Keith and femme fatale
Nicola—emphasis on the fatale. Nicola has grown tired of an immortal existence
and wants to provoke either Guy or Keith to shoot her through the heart with a
silver bullet. Unreliably narrated by Sam, an aging werewolf dying of the
mange.
BACK-COVER BLURBS: "You'll howl with delight!" "A hairy situation!
The fur really flies in this one!"
MARKETING TIE-INS: Warren Zevon will come back from the grave to
record a new version of "Werewolves of London" expressly for this edition. (The
publishers are glad they didn’t sign that marketing tie-in with the remake of
"The Wolfman"—it died at the box-office.)
MAJOR THEMES: Man's animal instincts. Woman's animal instincts.
Bestiality.
"Twilight’s Children," by Salman Gushdie
SYNOPSIS: On the eve of
Indian independence, a group of children are born with extraordinary abilities.
Some are werewolves, some are vampires, and some are just incredibly hot. Can
they learn to unlive together peacefully, or is partition inevitable? One sexy
young lycanthrope with enhanced olfactory abilities decides to try to sniff out
the truth—then moves to London to get with Nicola from "An American Werewolf In
London Fields."
BACK-COVER BLURBS: "Will surely curry favor with the public and the
critics alike!" "A spicy masala of sex and supernatural hijnks." “I issue a
fatwa—you must buy this book!”
MARKETING TIE-INS: Watch for the exciting sequel, "The Satanic Curses":
once a month, a beautiful sexy woman is possessed by the devil and splits into
two evil, opposite twins!
MAJOR THEMES: The allure of the Other. The incredible freaking hotness
of the Other.
"Waiting For Godzilla," by Samuel Wreckett
SYNOPSIS: In a timeless, nameless wasteland, two drunken Japanese
salarymen swill sake, play pachinko, and discuss the meaninglessness of
existence. After three hours of this tedium, a giant lizard—symbolizing
American imperialism in the Bikini Islands—steps on them, obliterating their
empty, futile lives.
MARKETING TIE-INS: Smucker’s will introduce a special commemorative
Godzilla Toe Jam that glows in the dark. With a name like Smucker’s, you know it
must be radioactive.
BACK-COVER BLURBS: "I don’t know what it means, but I know that I like
it—I think!" "Like watching paint dry—I mean a timeless tale of suspense!"
MAJOR THEMES: The meaninglessness of plot, or character development, or
major themes.
"Eat Pray Kill," by Elizabeth Guillotine
SYNOPSIS: A beautiful, successful, divorced young woman goes on a
spiritual quest to India. She gets more than she bargained for when she
encounters a group of sexy young werewolves and vampires—no, that's "Twilight’s
Children." She gets more than she bargained for when she encounters a cult of
Thuggee cannibals. She loses her heart to the handsome, charismatic leader of
the cult—then her lungs and her kidneys. What will remain of her—and will
there be enough leftovers for a sequel?
MARKETING TIE-INS: Watch for the exciting movie adaption, starring
Julia Roberts and directed by Eli Roth. At last, a role Ms. Roberts can throw
herself into, body and soul.
BACK-COVER BLURBS: “A profound and profoundly disturbing book. It will
get under your skin--and down to the soft, tender, yummy parts." “You will never
look at ladyfingers the same way again."
MAJOR THEMES: Woman’s spiritual hunger. Man's visceral hunger.
Meat.
Robert Brenner's work has appeared in New York Magazine, the
Huffington Post, Open Salon, and Happy. He lives in New York City with his wife.
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