Jeff Howard's Unreal Property -- IV

Smilin’ Jeff Howard is back in the real-estate game after a hiatus caused by reasons once again best left unspecified, and I’m celebrating by offering you this partially destroyed home for only $100,000. Real estate is all about location, and you can’t beat a home located right next to the prison. Think about it: Would you feel safer living far from a jail, unsure if the evil people are locked up safely, or would you rather live within earshot of this  prison, where you can hear the felons' every obscenity and moan of despair, and sleep safely knowing they are securely behind bars?

The two bedroom home comes complete with staircase and working mailbox. Some renovations need to be done on the roof and the missing walls, but it’s nothing a shopping trip to Lowes, a big tarp, and five weekends' worth of manual labor can’t fix. It’s just two walls away from completion – or one wall, if you’re willing to live in a trendy Diagonal House, just like the movie stars. 

 Due to the fire, the home has a pleasant smell of a rural smokehouse,  and the water damage has created amazing, one-of-a-kind abstract murals on the remaining two walls. The basement features a solid dirt floor, so it’s perfect for pets not yet housebroken.

Young families will fall in love with the neighbor’s swing-set, and you needn’t worry about the patches of poison oak in the abandoned lot behind the home, as officials agree it’s only dangerous if it comes in contact with skin or eyes. So enjoy the lush foliage from afar to your heart’s content.  The area high school is known for their remedial spelling program, and with more and more emphasis being placed on spelling during the vocational-training application process these days, can you really afford to send your child to any other school? Probably not, if this is where you need to live. Owing to safety concerns, our insurance company will not allow an open house to be held. But I’ll be parked in my van across the street from noon until 2 p.m. this Saturday. So drive by and have a look. I’ve already been hearing very real offers from a local photographer who is interested in using the property as the centerpiece for his upcoming show entitled “Abandoned Hopes.”

Do not let this one slip away.  Contact me, Jeff “Desperate Jeff” Howard today. (I’m currently between cell phone plans, so the best way to reach me is to come to the Property Palace office, located at 688 Paper Mill Ave., above the oncology clinic and across the street from the recycling facility.) 
Dan Bergstein pronounces "faux pas" “fox pass,” because it sounds manlier that way.

April 17: "In less than three years, both GM and Chrysler would be bankrupt, and a resurgent Ford would wow Wall Street..."

Donna Tartt's The Goldfinch is the winner of the 2014 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. James Parker calls this Dickensian coming-of-age novel "an enveloping…

Books, CDs, DVDs to know about now
Poems That Make Grown Men Cry

And women too.  Luminaries from Colin Firth to Nick Cave and Jonathan Franzen chose the poems that bring them to tears, and the result is a stunning collection of poignant verse from writers like Auden, Whitman, Bishop, Larkin, Neruda and many others.  Warning: choking-up hazard.

The King of Pain

Trapped beneath his entertainment system, reality TV mastermind Rick Salter reflects on his life and tries to piece together the events of the previous evening. Seth Kaufman’s romp is an outrageous meditation on pain and entertainment in a deranged world in which the two are often interchangeable.

The Good Inn

Frank Black, frontman for the Pixies, has written a transgressive historical fiction with shades of Thomas Pynchon (focused as it is on the history of explosives and cinematic pornography), all set in a hallucinatory Edwardian Europe.