Jeff Howard's Unreal Property -- IV

Smilin’ Jeff Howard is back in the real-estate game after a hiatus caused by reasons once again best left unspecified, and I’m celebrating by offering you this partially destroyed home for only $100,000. Real estate is all about location, and you can’t beat a home located right next to the prison. Think about it: Would you feel safer living far from a jail, unsure if the evil people are locked up safely, or would you rather live within earshot of this  prison, where you can hear the felons' every obscenity and moan of despair, and sleep safely knowing they are securely behind bars?

The two bedroom home comes complete with staircase and working mailbox. Some renovations need to be done on the roof and the missing walls, but it’s nothing a shopping trip to Lowes, a big tarp, and five weekends' worth of manual labor can’t fix. It’s just two walls away from completion – or one wall, if you’re willing to live in a trendy Diagonal House, just like the movie stars. 

 Due to the fire, the home has a pleasant smell of a rural smokehouse,  and the water damage has created amazing, one-of-a-kind abstract murals on the remaining two walls. The basement features a solid dirt floor, so it’s perfect for pets not yet housebroken.

Young families will fall in love with the neighbor’s swing-set, and you needn’t worry about the patches of poison oak in the abandoned lot behind the home, as officials agree it’s only dangerous if it comes in contact with skin or eyes. So enjoy the lush foliage from afar to your heart’s content.  The area high school is known for their remedial spelling program, and with more and more emphasis being placed on spelling during the vocational-training application process these days, can you really afford to send your child to any other school? Probably not, if this is where you need to live. Owing to safety concerns, our insurance company will not allow an open house to be held. But I’ll be parked in my van across the street from noon until 2 p.m. this Saturday. So drive by and have a look. I’ve already been hearing very real offers from a local photographer who is interested in using the property as the centerpiece for his upcoming show entitled “Abandoned Hopes.”

Do not let this one slip away.  Contact me, Jeff “Desperate Jeff” Howard today. (I’m currently between cell phone plans, so the best way to reach me is to come to the Property Palace office, located at 688 Paper Mill Ave., above the oncology clinic and across the street from the recycling facility.) 
Dan Bergstein pronounces "faux pas" “fox pass,” because it sounds manlier that way.

April 23: " 'A job,' the woman repeated again, smiling, as if I hadn't heard her. 'Would you like one?' "

Kenneth Calhoun (Black Moon) and Lysely Tenorio (Monstress) of the Discover Great New Writers program on B-movies, heritage, and finales.

Books, CDs, DVDs to know about now
A Private Venus

Dubbed "the Italian Simenon," Giorgio Scerbanenco (1911-1969) began his crime-writing career with books set in the USA, but quickly shifted scene closer to home, the city of Milan.  In this adventure, appearing in English for the first time, his underdog hero Dr. Duca Lamberti finds himself in the middle of a seedy, scantily clad criminal racket, where the presence of an outsider could result in death.

The Promise of Hope

Killed last year in the infamous terror attack at Nairobi's Westgate mall, Kofi Awoonor was a national treasure in his native Ghana.  His career began in 1964 with Rediscovery, and this magnum opus serves as a tribute to his entire long journey charting his beloved nation's course through his accomplished poetry.

Winter Mythologies and Abbots

A pair of linked stories finds that, as translator Ann Jefferson relates, "[Pierre] Michon's great theme is the precarious balance between belief and imposture, and the way the greatest aspirations can be complicated by physical desire or the equally urgent desire for what he calls glory."