If Doctors (and Patients) Were Four Years Old

DR. SMITH: Welcome back, Timmy. What seems to be the problem?
TIMMY: Well, I’ve had a pretty bad stomach ache for the past few days. My older brother told me that meant I was going to die and he was going to get all my toys, so I figured I should come see you.
DR. SMITH: Hmm, you generally don’t see stomach aches leading to death, but is this brother of yours bigger than you?
DR. SMITH: All right, then he probably knows what he’s talking about. Just in case, though, can you tell me what you’ve been eating recently?
TIMMY: Pixy Stix, Hi-C, Gummi Bears, glue, ketchup, Legos …
DR. SMITH: OK—a normal diet, nothing unusual?
TIMMY: Well, my mom did make me eat some cauliflower at dinner a couple nights ago.
DR. SMITH: Oh, come on, Timmy! You know how bad that stuff is for you! Why do you think it smells so weird?
TIMMY: I know, I know, but she said if I didn’t have at least three bites I wouldn’t be allowed to watch “Bob the Builder,” and I remember how unhealthy you said it was to miss that show. I made sure to wash it down with some chocolate sauce as soon as she left the kitchen.
DR. SMITH: Good. That probably means you were able to neutralize the effects of the cauliflower in time.
TIMMY: Exactly. Wait, what does “neutralize” mean?
DR. SMITH: No idea. But I heard my dad use it once and thought it sounded cool. Anyway, back to this stomach ache. I think I might have figured out what caused it. Have you been in contact with any girls recently?
TIMMY: Absolutely not!
Dr. Smith: Be honest, Timmy. You’re not at the monkey bars. No one’s here to judge you.
TIMMY: OK, OK—I was playing with the blocks in day care yesterday, and Mrs. Johansson made me share them with Lisa, and when I was giving her some of them I think she [gulps] might have touched my hand.
DR. SMITH: That’s what I thought. I’m afraid you’ve got cooties.
TIMMY: Oh no! Are you sure?
DR. SMITH: I’m positive. And not just because it’s the only disease anyone our age believes actually exists. The good news is, if this just happened yesterday, it means we caught it early enough to treat.
TIMMY: Phew.
DR. SMITH: I’m going to write you a prescription for two circles and two dots, and then you’ll have your cootie shot. I’ll also write you one for two circles and two squares to ensure that the shot is going to stay there, and I’d recommend having your mom kiss the infected area twice a day for the next week.
TIMMY: But I thought the whole reason I had this disease was because I touched a girl. How is getting kissed by a girl going to help cure it?
DR. SMITH: Duh, Tim—you know it’s not the same. Moms aren’t girls—they’re Moms.
TIMMY: Oh, right.
DR. SMITH: Now, if the stomach ache persists after all this, I’d advise you to see Billy, our resident gastroenterologist.
TIMMY: What are his qualifications?
DR. SMITH: He’s the only other one who knows how to say “gastroenterologist.” Also, he stole a metal stethoscope from his dad’s closet, so he doesn’t have to use one of these Fisher Price ones.
TIMMY: I see. Well, Doctor, thank you very much for your help. I’ll let you know how everything goes.
(As he’s leaving the office, Timmy coughs up three Legos)
TIMMY: You know, my stomach feels better already.

Edward Small is a recent graduate of Dickinson College.  He has interned at The Onion  and is a contributor to CollegeHumor.

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