Hey Dudes,
Sorry Margo and I didn’t get back to your emails or
phone messages right away -- we were having such a blast in your home. So glad
you guys decided to swap houses with us! This is the awesomest vacation we’ve
ever had. The two of us agree we’ll never go through a house finder again.
Better to just set it up the way we did ourselves and save all that money,
wouldn’t you agree? God bless Twitter for bringing us together.
Now, to address those issues you raised in your ten emails:
First, I am not sure why you keep insisting we misled you about the location of
our house with regard to the beach. Maybe you have a different definition of
“within walking distance” from ours. Margo and I consider anything up to five
miles to be like, totally walkable. In our estimation, too many Americans don’t
move around on their feet enough, and that’s why there’s this obesity epidemic.
To be honest, now that we’re in your home and seeing photos of you guys, we
think you could stand to perambulate a little more. So enjoy that hike to the
beach! (You might want to avoid “Boxville” That’s where the last couple we
swapped with disappeared.) When you get there, don’t worry about the “Private
Beach -- No Public Access” signs you’ll see on that gate. Look around, make sure
no one sees you, then simply climb over -- the barbed wire isn’t always
electrified!
Second, we’re sorry you had trouble finding the hot tub.
Our bad! We forgot to tell you it’s in the neighbor’s yard. Just go over there
while they’re at work and enjoy your time in the bubbles! Please be considerate
and take any “roaches” and bottles back with you. The nabes came over after our
first time and asked if we’d seen anyone using their tub. Speaking of
neighbors, you’ll be glad to know that we handled yours, and most excellently,
when they complained about our partying. No, no -- we didn’t threaten
them--ROFL! We just invited them over and plopped them down in front of your TV
with that video the two of you made of your last bondage session. We’ve watched
it like a half dozen times ourselves. Very hot! The pink leash episode,
especially.
Next. It sounds like you encountered our little pet, Atat.
Isn’t he cute? But there’s something you should know about him. He doesn’t like
being called a “rat.” He’s very sensitive about that, which is probably why he
was standing up on his hind legs and showing you his teeth, like you described
in email No. 8. But he’ll get over that if you feed him a little brie. In fact,
he’ll probably want to snuggle up with you two while you watch that old
three-channel Dumont of ours.
I’m skimming through the rest of your
emails because I can hear tonight’s party guests arriving and I should clean up
after fixing the door to your wine cellar. Did you know it wouldn’t open? No
problem--it does now. Margo and I salute your taste in reds, especially that
1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild jeroboam.
I do have to bring up one
negative thing: Margo was very hurt by your remark that our house was “filthy”
when you arrived. She’s proud of the way that she keeps the house in an
eco-friendly manner. In her opinion, it’s far healthier to cohabit with a little
dirt than it is to inhale noxious chemicals. But up to you. The local
supermarket carries lots of cleaning products similar to the ones we’ve seen in
the closet here in your home. We are OK with you using them in our house while
you’re there, but we prefer to let nature take its course while we’re in
yours.
One last thing: there’s a slight problem with the locks on your
house. We made a copy of the keys for a new friend we met in a bar who turned
out to be wanted in Utah for gun-running. So, of course we did the responsible
thing and had the locks changed. But then we went and lost those keys. Double
bad on us! So we’ve had to leave the house open for the last few days, but don’t
worry-- nothing has gone missing yet except that sex tape. And we’ll be sure the
place is locked up tight when we leave. All you have to do is call the locksmith
when you get here. Have a safe trip home!
Polly Frost's new book, "With One Eye Open," is a collection
of 25 of her humor pieces. Her website is http://pollyfrost.com.
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