PART II--For Wives
The implementation of the 911 emergency telephone number has saved many lives and has allowed many families to remain intact. But too few people know that there is a number to assist wives with spousal emergencies so that their families, too, will remain intact. For example, here are some transcripts of emergencies that were addressed recently.
Dinner Party
Dispatch: What’s your emergency?
Wife: I forgot to tell my husband that my mother is coming over for dinner tonight!
Dispatch: Where is he?
Wife: He’s at the kids’ soccer practice.
Dispatch: Call him now with your apologies.
Wife: It’s not that easy! I told him he could invite his work buddies over!
Dispatch: Can you reschedule with your mother?
Wife: Are you crazy?!
Dispatch: Then your husband will have to reschedule.
Wife: His friends are already here!
Dispatch: Pull yourself together! It’ll be OK. Can you make the dinner for more people?
Wife: My mother hates his friends!
Dispatch: How long does your mother usually stay?
Wife: She likes to leave early.
Dispatch: Thirty minutes before she arrives, give his friends an incredible amount of sugary foods.
Wife: Sugar! That’ll make it worse!
Dispatch: It’ll be intolerable for thirty minutes, but then they’re going to want to take a nap. You can have a lovely dinner with your mother while they sleep in the backyard. When they wake up and your mother leaves, your husband can hang out with his friends.
Wife: He’s still going to be annoyed!
Dispatch: Not if you tell him there’s a hot bath and a tumbler of small-batch bourbon waiting for him upstairs afterward.
Wife: Isn’t that old-fashioned?
Dispatch: Oh not at all, trust me.
Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Pet Duties
Dispatch: What’s your emergency?
Wife: I forgot to take the puppy out!
Dispatch: Relax! Relax! Why can’t you take the puppy out now?
Wife: It’s too late! She’s done what she needed to do. It’s a mess! It was my turn to take her out and I forgot!
Dispatch: On a scale of one to ten, is--
Wife: Eleven!
Dispatch: Glory be!
Wife: And my husband just left work. He’ll be home in ten minutes!
Dispatch: You cannot let him in that house. I repeat, you cannot let him in that house!
Wife: I won’t. What should I do?
Dispatch: Open every window. Light every candle. If you must, burn some toast.
Wife: He’ll suspect something.
Dispatch: Spread rose petals, everywhere. You’ve got to make this look romantic.
Wife: But there won’t be enough time.
Dispatch: Well, then, I guess you've got to intercept him.
Wife: How?!
Dispatch: Call and tell him to meet you at the nearest Best Buy! That’ll give you a couple hours.
Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Drowning Laptop
Dispatch: What’s your emergency?
Wife: I just knocked his laptop into the pool!
Dispatch: Where is he?
Wife: He’s in the kitchen! He went to get some beers for us.
Dispatch: So you’ve only got—
Wife: Seconds!
Dispatch: Dear heavens. Was it on?
Wife: Does that matter? It’s drowning!
Dispatch: Is there anyone else there you can blame it on?
Wife: No one!
Dispatch: Dog?
Wife: She’s inside!
Dispatch: Get the laptop out of pool and take out the battery. Hurry!
Wife: OK. Now what?
Dispatch: You’ve got to let that computer and battery dry.
Wife: How long will that take?
Dispatch: Hours.
Wife: I’ve got seconds!
Dispatch: I know. You must stop him from coming outside.
Wife: How?
Dispatch: Go inside and ask him to tell you everything that’s happening right now in his fantasy football league.
Wife: No, I won’t go that far.
Dispatch: What else are you going to do?
Wife: …
Dispatch: Good luck.
Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Old Friends
Dispatch: What’s your emergency?
Wife: I just told him I "friended" an old flame online.
Wife: Hello?
Wife: Hello?!
Dispatch: Sorry. We can’t help. You’re on your own.
Gregory Mazurek has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly. His website is gregorymazurek. com.
Subscribe
Email
Print
Share
