Emergency Numbers for Spouses Part II

PART II--For Wives


The implementation of the 911 emergency telephone number has saved many lives and has allowed many families to remain intact. But too few people know that there is a number to assist wives with spousal emergencies so that their families, too, will remain intact. For example, here are some transcripts of emergencies that were addressed recently.


Dinner Party


Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I forgot to tell my husband that my mother is coming over for dinner tonight!

Dispatch: Where is he?

Wife: He’s at the kids’ soccer practice.

Dispatch: Call him now with your apologies.

Wife: It’s not that easy! I told him he could invite his work buddies over!

Dispatch: Can you reschedule with your mother?

Wife: Are you crazy?!

Dispatch: Then your husband will have to reschedule.

Wife: His friends are already here!

Dispatch: Pull yourself together! It’ll be OK. Can you make the dinner for more people?

Wife: My mother hates his friends!

Dispatch: How long does your mother usually stay?

Wife: She likes to leave early.

Dispatch: Thirty minutes before she arrives, give his friends an incredible amount of sugary foods.

Wife: Sugar! That’ll make it worse!

Dispatch: It’ll be intolerable for thirty minutes, but then they’re going to want to take a nap. You can have a lovely dinner with your mother while they sleep in the backyard. When they wake up and your mother leaves, your husband can hang out with his friends.

Wife: He’s still going to be annoyed!
Dispatch: Not if you tell him there’s a hot bath and a tumbler of small-batch bourbon waiting for him upstairs afterward.
Wife: Isn’t that old-fashioned?

Dispatch: Oh not at all, trust me.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.


Pet Duties

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I forgot to take the puppy out! 

Dispatch: Relax! Relax! Why can’t you take the puppy out now?

Wife: It’s too late! She’s done what she needed to do. It’s a mess! It was my turn to take her out and I forgot!

Dispatch: On a scale of one to ten, is--

Wife: Eleven!

Dispatch: Glory be!

Wife: And my husband just left work. He’ll be home in ten minutes!
Dispatch: You cannot let him in that house. I repeat, you cannot let him in that house!
Wife: I won’t. What should I do?

Dispatch: Open every window. Light every candle. If you must, burn some toast.

Wife: He’ll suspect something.

Dispatch: Spread rose petals, everywhere. You’ve got to make this look romantic.

Wife: But there won’t be enough time.

Dispatch: Well, then, I guess you've got to intercept him.

Wife: How?!

Dispatch: Call and tell him to meet you at the nearest Best Buy! That’ll give you a couple hours.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.


Drowning Laptop

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I just knocked his laptop into the pool!

Dispatch: Where is he?

Wife: He’s in the kitchen! He went to get some beers for us.

Dispatch: So you’ve only got—

Wife: Seconds!

Dispatch: Dear heavens. Was it on?

Wife: Does that matter? It’s drowning!

Dispatch: Is there anyone else there you can blame it on?

Wife: No one!

Dispatch: Dog?

Wife: She’s inside!

Dispatch: Get the laptop out of pool and take out the battery. Hurry!

Wife: OK. Now what?

Dispatch: You’ve got to let that computer and battery dry.

Wife: How long will that take?

Dispatch: Hours.

Wife: I’ve got seconds!

Dispatch: I know. You must stop him from coming outside.

Wife: How?

Dispatch: Go inside and ask him to tell you everything that’s happening right now in his fantasy football league.

Wife: No, I won’t go that far.

Dispatch: What else are you going to do?

Wife: …

Dispatch: Good luck.

Wife: OK. Thank you. Thank you so much.



Old Friends

Dispatch: What’s your emergency?

Wife: I just told him I "friended" an old flame online.
Wife: Hello?
Wife: Hello?!

Dispatch: Sorry. We can’t help. You’re on your own.

Gregory Mazurek has been published in McSweeney’s and Science Creative Quarterly.  His website is gregorymazurek. com.


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