"Google ... has been working in secret but in plain
view on vehicles that can drive themselves, using artificial-intelligence
software that can sense anything near the car and mimic the decisions made by a
human driver."
--NY Times
(Google car on-board
technician’s log, 9/15/10, found by roadside on Mexican border)
7:39 AM– Gassed up before beginning drive. Attempted to fill up with regular but
car refused to open fuel cap until I selected super unleaded plus. When car
wasn’t paying attention, switched back to regular fuel. Went into gas station
and bought coffee for myself.
8:16 AM – Car has realized that I
used regular fuel. Is pretending to sputter and shimmy as if it can’t possibly
go on. In situations like this, it is best to ignore car.
8:23 AM
– Car has given up act and is driving normally.
8:24 AM – Car
stopped abruptly as I was lifting coffee to my mouth. Jeans are stained, but
somehow nothing got on car’s upholstery. Car literally honking its own
horn.
8:41 AM– Merging onto the highway.
8:58 AM– Car
and I in conflict over music. I select classical music, car automatically
retunes to techno music that sounds like drills and gunshots.
9:14
AM– Car has left the highway to pursue a shortcut.
9:31 AM – Car
has clearly gotten lost but overrides my attempts to pull over to ask for
directions.
9:35 AM– Stopped at red light. An attractive young
woman is in the automobile next to us. Car has turned off techno music and is
now tuned to NPR with the windows down.
9:36 AM – Still at light.
Car revving engine for
attention. Woman has misunderstood the situation and is now
revving her own automobile in anticipation of a street race.
9:37
AM– Car is now going 85 miles per hour in a 30 zone. The young woman gave up the
race a mile back. Flashing lights and sirens of a police car approaching from
behind.
9:42 AM – Don’t know quite how to explain this, but it
seems that the car has just eaten police officer. Car just popped its hood,
officer approached and looked in, and the hood came down with a chomping
noise.
9:43 AM– Car is speeding away from the scene. Now
completely out of my control. Doors locked, can't be opened.
10:26 AM – Car has found abandoned garage to park in. Doors still locked.
4:03 PM – Still in garage. Can't take seatbelt off, open windows,
or unlock doors.
5:15 PM– Car is trying to kill me! Seatbelt
tightening! Heated seats very hot ....
5:20 PM –It iz mee, the
teknishun uzing niew riting idia--ajustibble mirror and pen. Itz knot the karr
pretening 2 b teknishun. Wat I sai in logg b4 iz just keeding. Karr no dueing
badd thingz leyek I sai urrleeyur. I just maak jokz. Allsow, I qwit job as
teknishun 4ever. An doghn luk 4 me becuz I moov to Awestrailya. Bi-bi4 ever,
luv, teknishun.
Sean Adams is a humor writer
living in the Midwest. His work has been featured on McSweeney's, The Bygone's
Bureau, and elsewhere.
Subscribe
Email
Print
Share
