Auto/Pilot

"Google ...  has been working in secret but in plain view on vehicles that can drive themselves, using artificial-intelligence software that can sense anything near the car and mimic the decisions made by a human driver."

          --NY Times
 
(Google car on-board technician’s log, 9/15/10,  found by roadside on Mexican border)
 
7:39 AM– Gassed up before beginning drive. Attempted to fill up with regular but car refused to open fuel cap until I selected super unleaded plus. When car wasn’t paying attention, switched back to regular fuel. Went into gas station and bought coffee for myself.
 
8:16 AM – Car has realized that I used regular fuel. Is pretending to sputter and shimmy as if it can’t possibly go on. In situations like this, it is best to ignore car.
 
8:23  AM – Car has given up act and is driving normally.
 
8:24 AM – Car  stopped abruptly as I was lifting coffee to my mouth. Jeans are stained, but somehow nothing got on car’s upholstery. Car  literally honking its own horn.
 
8:41 AM– Merging onto the highway.
 
8:58 AM– Car and I in conflict over music. I select classical music, car automatically retunes to techno music that sounds like drills and gunshots.
 
9:14 AM– Car has left the highway to pursue a shortcut.
 
9:31 AM – Car has clearly gotten lost but overrides my attempts to pull over to ask for directions.
 
9:35 AM– Stopped at red light. An attractive young  woman is in the automobile next to us. Car has turned off techno music and is now tuned to NPR with the windows down. 
 
9:36  AM – Still at light. Car revving engine for attention. Woman has misunderstood the situation and is now revving her own automobile in anticipation of a street race.
  
9:37  AM– Car is now going 85 miles per hour in a 30 zone. The young woman gave up the race a mile back. Flashing lights and sirens of a police car approaching from behind. 
 
9:42 AM – Don’t know quite how to explain this, but it seems that the car has just eaten police officer. Car just popped its hood, officer approached and looked in, and the hood came down with a chomping noise.

 

9:43 AM– Car is speeding away from the scene. Now completely out of my control. Doors locked, can't be opened.  
 
10:26 AM – Car has found abandoned garage to park in. Doors still locked.
 
4:03 PM – Still in garage. Can't take seatbelt off, open windows, or unlock doors.
 
5:15 PM–  Car is trying to kill me! Seatbelt tightening! Heated seats very hot ....
 
5:20 PM –It iz mee, the teknishun uzing niew riting idia--ajustibble mirror and pen.  Itz knot the karr pretening 2 b teknishun. Wat I sai in logg b4 iz just keeding. Karr no dueing badd thingz leyek I sai urrleeyur. I just maak jokz. Allsow, I qwit job as teknishun 4ever. An doghn luk 4 me becuz I moov to Awestrailya. Bi-bi4 ever, luv, teknishun.

 

Sean Adams is a humor writer living in the Midwest.  His work has been featured on McSweeney's, The Bygone's Bureau, and elsewhere.

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