At the Dog Restaurant—Part I

[#1]

WAITER: Good evening.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Hello.

POODLE: Good evening.

WAITER: Is this your first time with us?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: It is.

WAITER: Excellent, and welcome. Let me start you off with something to drink.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I'll have the Little Lehigh River Water, please. If you could make sure to mix in algae, that'd be great.

WAITER: You like algae?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Love it.

POODLE: Could I have the New York City Water with extra fluoride?

WAITER: How about chlorine?

POODLE: Pour it on!

WAITER: Absolutely. I'll bring them right out.

POODLE: And come to think of it, a spoonful of water à la commode.

WAITER: Is toilet OK?

POODLE: If that's all you have.

WAITER: Happy to add that, madam, if you don't mind the extra charge.

POODLE: That's fine—I find it makes all the difference.

WAITER: It's a pleasure to serve such a sophisticated customer. I'll be right back.

-----

WAITER: Here you are.

POODLE: Thank you.

WAITER: Let me tell you about our specials tonight. We have a lovely waterlogged baby robin that's been freshly caught in the backyard. The salad special tonight is recently cut tennis grass. And the chef's special is a wonderful chipmunk with biscuits.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Do you serve running socks?

WAITER: We do, but we will ask you to sign a waiver beforehand if you choose to order this.

POODLE: No, he's not ordering any more socks.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I was just curious.

POODLE: And do you also serve, um, you know what?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol!

WAITER: We do, yes.

POODLE: Is it fresh?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: Carol! I am so sorry, sir.

WAITER: No, it's perfectly fine–only a connoisseur would be comfortable inquiring. It's extremely fresh.

POODLE: See that, Dave? I'm a connoisseur. I thought I smelled something.

WAITER: I'll let you both have some time to think about what you'd like.

-----

WAITER: Have you had a chance to look over the menu?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I'm debating between the Natural Balance Dog Food Rolls Lamb Formula and the 5 Minutes on the Ground BBQ Chicken. Which do you recommend?

WAITER: You'll be able to eat them both in seventeen seconds.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: I'll have the BBQ Chicken.

POODLE: How is the Blue Buffalo Home-style Recipe Small Breed Chicken Dinner Adult Canned Dog Food?

WAITER: Have you spent the last hour chasing squirrels?

POODLE: I have.

WAITER: Then you're probably going to want to stay away from that and anything else. Might I suggest waiting a couple hours until your panting subsides?

POODLE: No, I'll have it anyways.

(To be continued.)

Gregory Mazurek (www.gregorymazurek.com) has been published in McSweeney's and Science Creative Quarterly.